Why I don’t dye my hair + other musings

Why I don’t dye my hair, and stopped getting botox— how our location impacts our beauty habits + updating you on reading/watching/listening to.

Hi friends! We are in the midst of a snow day today, and I’m feeling a bit under the weather as it seems Fitz gave both Colin and I his cold. One of my favorite things about substack is that it does not require me to be on camera if I don’t want to. I’m excited to share this one, because it’s something I get asked about a lot, but has also been on my mind a lot. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments if you relate to any of it!

I don’t dye my hair anymore:

This is one of the most common questions that I get asked both online and in-person and I thought I would tackle it here.

First off, I have to start by saying I didn’t even starting dyeing my hair until I was about 27 years old. If I ever wanted to get beauty treatments done in high school and beyond, I had to pay for them myself. Needless to say, dyeing my hair was not at the top of my priority list when I was in college or even after I graduated— where after paying my rent and student loans, I had about $400 to work with. I cared far more about eating, and going to the bar with my girlfriends.

Once I finished my MBA and got a corporate job at age 25, I finally had the funds to do so and started seeing a curly hair specialist on Newbury street who suggested I add in some highlights after a few years of cuts with him. I said “sure!” Truly, it horrifies me that I didn’t really have a proper curly haircut until age 25, but I didn’t live in a major city until then— and curly cuts were expensive, and a rarity outside of a major city.

Eight years ago, we moved to Dallas after our wedding. I got my aesthetics license there, and worked with a plastic surgeon for 2.5 years. I definitely felt a pressure to look a certain way in Dallas — thin, smooth, tan, blonde. I dyed my hair blonde within the first year, and kept it that way the entire time we lived there. I genuinely and utterly despised the maintenance— how often I had to get it cut and colored, the time it took out of my day. The money!! The amount of purple shampoo for it not to turn brassy. And it started damaging my hair, which meant more bond repair and upkeep, and even more money.

When we moved back to Connecticut almost three years ago now, I started to realize how much my location played into the beauty trends that I felt beholden to. I lived in Boston for almost a decade, and Dallas for five years. Now I live in a suburb outside of Hartford, not far from where I grew up. A very small percentage of people here are getting Botox, fillers, chemical peels or lasers. Women walk around with sun spots and wrinkles. Many women don’t dye their greys. And no one thinks anything of it. How freeing!!

When I really stopped to think about WHY I was dyeing my hair— I genuinely didn’t have a reason. I disliked the amount of time it took away from other things I enjoy. I disliked the money that I’d spent that could be spent elsewhere. I was doing it because I was on autopilot. It’s what women do.

Why don’t men dye their hair? Why don’t they feel pressure to look younger? We all know the answers to these questions. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how I hated doing this thing, and I hated that society expected me to keep doing this thing every 8-6-4-2 weeks until I die AND spending my precious time and money doing it. While I don’t have a daughter, I have five nieces. I want little girls to grow up in a world and see women in their 30s and 40s with grey hair. Grey hair is normal. Grey hair does not make you “old” (and there’s nothing wrong with being old) otherwise we wouldn’t get grey hair in our 20s/30s/40s.

I remember asking my husband— “hey, I am thinking about not dyeing my hair anymore. What are your thoughts?” I knew what his answer would be, and thankfully, I was right. He said “do whatever you want to do.” I know that I’m lucky, and that many women would not get that response from their partner. I know the way women are held to a different standard. I know how beauty helps women exist more easily in a world that wasn’t designed for them. I genuinely worried when I made the decision, that it would impact my career as a content creator. I see very clearly that 35-40+ women are ignored and underserved by most beauty brands. I already feel old in this space— but in the end, I just decided I have to do what feels best for me, even if that means being looked over. I figured, I could always change my mind and decide to dye my hair again if I really wanted to. But spoiler alert— I can’t imagine ever dyeing my hair again.

Responses to going grey

What I have found, interestingly enough is while men like to make comments online that women who have grey hair “let themselves go” or “look old” — a lot of the judgement in person comes from fellow women, mostly older women. I’ve gotten a lot of silence, and then “I could never stop dyeing my hair— I’d feel so old.” Honestly, no comment has ever made me feel badly about myself. I do not do anything in my life (any longer) to be more palatable to men. And for the women, I feel sad that they feel their self-worth (+ time and money) is so tied up in appearing younger. Again— I think it’s one thing if it’s a ritual you genuinely enjoy and brings you joy. But no woman has ever responded “I just love the entire experience of dyeing my hair, and the me time!!”

In case you’re curious what my husband thinks now that it’s grown out fully— he loves and adores me, and think my hair rocks. He has always been a staunch defender of my curly hair, when people would ask me “do you ever straighten it?” He’d always respond “have you seen her hair?? WHY would she ever want to?” (UGH I LOVE HIM)

I stopped getting Botox too

I had my last syringes of Dysport in April of 2022, and I’d say my reasoning for stopping is very similar to the same reasons I stopped dyeing my hair. Did I love having a smooth forehead at all times? Yes. Do I care enough about my wrinkles, to spend $500+, 3-4x a year? No. Again— I think it just came down to the fact that it didn’t feel worth my time and money, and I was doing it more so because everyone else was (and it was free). Also, after seeing endless smooth foreheads— I honestly think wrinkles give a little character— they’re cute!! I love seeing a woman’s full range of emotions in her face.

My thoughts on beauty treatments

I’ve shared this a lot over the years— but I don’t enjoy the time, cost and maintenance of most beauty treatments. If you love doing something and it makes you feel amazing, then do it! I will never judge anyone for wanting to dye their hair, get botox, a spray tan, their nails done, or take care of their skin. But, I’d say— think about why you’re doing it. Is it because this thing makes YOU feel amazing, or are you being held hostage.

For me, the things that make me feel amazing, like myself, and are worth the time, money and effort are—

• A facial or chemical peel by one of my favorite estheticians when I’m in NYC or the occasional lymphatic full body massage

• Lifting weights daily, and taking walks

• Sleeping eight hours

• Eating food that fuels my body

• Reading books that help me destress

• Connecting with friends and family

I would absolutely consider getting a laser, more intense chemical peel or micro-needling session down the line, but I’m pretty happy with how my skin is looking these days!

And with that— F*CK THE PATRIARCHY!!! I would love to hear your thoughts below! Have you stopped dyeing your hair, getting Botox or ditched another beauty habit because it no longer served you?

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What I’m reading

(I need to clean my kindle, I’m sorry.)

• I finished reading Manacled which is a Harry Potter fanfiction book and it is LONG, and it’s very much adult (a bit dark), imaging a world where Voldemort won the war. It is absolutely incredible, and I don’t say this lightly— this book altered my brain chemistry. I can’t stop thinking about it, convincing my friends to read it, talking about it. I have since downloaded SO MANY MORE Dramione books, and joined many facebook groups to get recommendations.

• I finished Onyx Storm!! It took me until about 15% to really get into this book, but I am really loving it. I promise no spoilers ever— but I am really enjoying Violet and Xaden (aka Xaddy) in this book. Their relationship is cute, and I also love their squad. The secondary characters really made this book for me— Ridoc is SO funny and offering some major comic relief, but I’m also enjoying Dain, Aaric, Imogen as well as Violet’s siblings. One of my biggest complaints in Iron Flame was where are the dragons?! It felt like there weren’t enough of them, and in this book they are plentiful and I love getting to know their sassy personalities. The ending was a bit batshit crazy, and I’m now going down a rabbit hole of watching every theory out there.

PS If you’re reading Onyx Storm, and confused— I found this map guide really helpful, along with this character, creature and world guide. You’re not crazy, it seems like Rebecca decided to start naming a lot of people she’d only previously mentioned (but hadn’t named) in other books.

What are you reading right now? If you’ve read Onyx Storm did you like it?

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What I’m watching

• I am still watching the PITT, and LOVING IT. My only complaint is that new episodes come out every Thursday, and I can’t just sit and binge a few at a time. There’s only like 6 or 7 out?? So you can catch up if you want to watch it live. If you don’t know what this show is— it’s from the same creators as ER. It follows the doctors, nurses and workers in the ER of Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Hospital. Each hour of the show follows one hour in Dr. Robby’s shift, played by Noah Wyle— who is an OG from ER! So far, it is fantastic and I highly recommend.

  

• On my list to watch this week is Sephora’s new series on Hulu called Faces of Music— where each episode that is 25-30 minutes features a different music artist (Chappell Roan, Victoria Monet + Becky G), who explore what beauty means to them— how it shapes their image, identity and music. Music meets beauty— right up my alley!

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What I’m listening to

I think Dramione is my current ADHD hyperfixation, and for that I’m sorry! I hope you don’t get sick of me talking about them, but promise I’m going to read other books too! Lollll

• I am fully in my Dramione era— and might never leave. There are HUNDREDS of Dramione fanfics, and I just started listening to Meet Me in Dreamland on Spotify here. Here’s the link to episode one. I couldn’t believe how many fanfic books have been recorded and are free and readily available on Spotify. Meet Me in Dreamland is SPICY but also has a great plot. I’m really enjoying listening to one episode a day while I’m driving or doing chores. PS you can also read this book if you prefer, by downloading it here.

• I was recently introduced to

  Ellie - A Day In Her Life
  , by a good friend and she has an incredible Podcast, where Ellie interviews women on how they get it all done— talking about a day in their life, how they manage their time, careers, families, and save time for themselves. She also started Pepper Books with her friend Anna, which is your go-to IG account for romance book recommendations + community. I’ve talked about this a little bit, but the skincare and beauty community is such a wonderful and welcoming place where I met many of my closest friends— but when I started sharing my love of reading, I was met with another wonderful community of women. All of this to say, that I am binging Ellie’s podcast, and I just listened to this episode with Emily Rath— who is a NY times bestselling author of romance— known for her Pucking series. I think the podcast is such a fun and fresh viewpoint.

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